Relationship Between Men And Women In Buddhism
All women are dakinis and we should treat them like that. In Buddhism, women are considered the pillar of the family. They provide emotional strength, they are gentle and feminine, yet strong, they are miracle workers and their energy is wisdom. They produce children and they produce what we want. They give us company and they support us. In Asian societies especially, women are incredible because they are taught to put up with a lot of things from men and they do put up with it. Women are treasures and we have to treat them like that.
What men want is not to come home to a nagging wife who rants and raves, and complains about everything. Men feel that they have worked all day and they just want to come home and have their wives make a nice home for them. Men want their women to be nice little wives, to stay home, always give them face and not to be embarrassed by them. Men like to sit there, be served and be given things. It doesn’t matter if it is wrong or right. In every old culture, tradition has dictated that women serve men.
It’s up to you if you want to follow tradition or if you want to follow logic; that’s not really my business. I’m not here to change 20,000 years of society and culture. But what I’m trying to say is that however we are served, we will have to serve one day. The karma will come back. Everyone wants something from each other. That’s natural, isn’t it? So why don’t we give that to each other? It’s very small.
So take care of your wives – they are dakinis, they gave you your kids, they give you a lot of pleasure, they give you company, they have stayed through thick and thin with you. Give back. Imagine you running around for nine months with a huge belly! Buddha recognised the value of the female energy and made Vajrayogini and Tara most supreme in the hierarchy of the practices. It is not because women are better than men but – as even Mao Tse Tung recognised – women hold up half the sky.
We need to stop sitting there looking for women to do things for us, we need to reward them. Tomorrow or the day after, immediately, go and buy some flowers for your wife. Yes, it’s a little embarrassing and you feel a little stupid but it doesn’t matter. The stupidity and the embarrassment are over real quickly. You have money for your drinks and friends but you don’t have money for your wives? That’s not good.
Don’t be embarrassed. I know that after being married for 20 years, you’ve never even given one petal to your wife. So now that you give her flowers, she might wonder what your motive is! It’s definitely not boobali*. Some of you haven’t had boobali with your wives in over fifteen years! I asked some of you when the last time was that you had boobali, and you couldn’t remember!
But it’s not really about boobali; it’s about inside boobali. It is the feeling you get from boobali – the warmth, the forgiveness and the care, because time is short. So take care of your wives, bring them flowers once every two or three months. Take them out, with no motive. Don’t just take them out to the market or to a cheap café and say, “I took you out, so keep quiet now!” Isn’t your wife worth a few hundred dollars for a night out?
What are you saving your money for? What are you keeping it for? Even Tutankhamun couldn’t take any of the pyramids and all the wealth inside them with him. It’s in the British museum now. What do you think you’re going to take with you to your next life when you die? Your 100,000 or 200,000 dollars? Remember, you came into this life naked, just holding on to the placenta.
And women, what can you do for men? You know what they want. Men only want one thing. Just one thing – to stop being nagged! So just shut up! Don’t nag them. You know how men are not expressive, they don’t like to talk about things, they don’t want to tell you things. So stop nagging your husbands, ranting, complaining and making noise.
I’m not just talking about doing that to husbands; I’m also talking about your friends, your mother, your aunt or whoever you nag the life out of. Stop. What’s the big deal? It’s a small price to pay, a very small gift to give back. You get flowers, they don’t get nagging – then you get a little bit closer.
Tsem Tulku Rinpoche
*Sex is not a term that is appropriate for a Tibetan lama to mention publicly. So “boobali” was made up as a substitute
Fulfilling his previous lives’ prayers. His Eminence Tsem Tulku Rinpoche chose to take rebirth amongst difficult circumstances to be close to those who would need him most.
Recognised by H.H. the 14th Dalai Lama as the reincarnation of the 72nd Abbot of Gaden Shartse, Gedun Nyedrak, His Eminence’s spiritual lineage actually begins as one of the eight main disciples of Je Tsongkhapa, the founding saint of the Gelugpa school of Tibetan Buddhism.
Kechara House Buddhist Association Malaysia, affectionately known as Kechara House or KH, is a Buddhist Centre founded in 2000 by His Eminence Tsem Tulku Rinpoche of Gaden Shartse Monastery to avail the ancient wisdom of Buddha’s teachings to practitioners in Malaysia and the surrounding regions. Buddha’s wisdom has timeless and universal relevance, and can be practised by anyone in any culture, regardless of nationality, gender or age.