4 Steps to Manage Toxic People

Copyright (c) 2009 Valery Satterwhite

Do you have people in your life who sprinkle misery wherever they go? When you spend time with them, do these people suck the life energy right out of you? Do you they make you wrong, make you feel angry, deflated, belittled, inadequate or unworthy? If so, you have become their victim. As a victim you can only create more experiences of victimization. As chocolate is poison to a dog, these noxious people have the power to reinforce limitations and low self-esteem within you that will hold you back from the successful pursuit of your creative endeavors – if you let them.

There is a distinction between someone who’s just having a ‘bad hair day’ and a virulent person. The former is experiencing a moment of stress or anxiety the latter demonstrates chronic toxic behavior. People who are just trying to cope, albeit misguidedly, on a particularly stressful day don’t feel good about lashing out at someone else. Those whom complain all the time or unload their blame or anger upon you and then feel better about themselves as a result are the ones to keep an eye out for and manage. If you don’t they will dump their negativity and pessimism upon you, drain you dry of motivation and inspiration to move forward in your life. The human spirit is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.” – Benjamin Franklin

There is a simple test to recognize whether or not you have a toxic person in your life:

Examine the experiences you have had with this person. It doesn’t matter much what you were doing together, just reflect upon whether or not your are energized or depleted at the end of the event. Reflect upon more than one instance to discern whether there is an emotional pattern or a single incident. Were you tired or inspired? If you discover that you are left exhausted or weakened by your exposure to this person then you are in the presence of a toxic person. If you feel nourished by the experiences you’ve had with that person this is someone with whom you want to spend more time.

If you identify a toxic person in your life here are 4 Steps to manage and transform your relationship with that person.

1. Observe that this person is doing the best he or she can given the light they have to see. A toxic person is in the dark or at least missing a few batteries in their flashlight, their self-perspective and world view. You cannot change or control anyone.

2. Distance yourself from this person. Limit your exposure to and the time you spend in their presence. If it is a co-worker or family member and avoidance is unlikely, let whatever poisonous babble they expel go in one ear and out the other. Do not react or take on their anguish. Hold onto your personal power by refusing to engage, stoop down to their emotional level.

3. When they are complaining, finding fault with you, their circumstance, or the world in general ask them what they DO like about the matter at hand. Get them focused on a more positive note; what they like instead of do not like; what they want instead of do not want.

4. Feed your soul. Do something that replenishes and energizes you after your encounter with a toxic person. Center yourself by taking a few cleansing breaths to ground you as you shake off their destructive residue.

You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. You have the inner resources to rise above any and all adverse communication. As master of your life experience, you have the tools to deliberately create the outcomes you want to have with the people with whom you are in contact in your personal and professional life.

“You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it.” – Shakti Gawain

Valery is an Inner Wizard Mindset Mentor & Coach who teaches people how to be the hero of their opportunity instead of the victim of circumstance so they can fully invest themselves in their creative endeavors. Become the hero of your opportunities instead of the victim of your circumstance.

Multi-media healing artist and workshop presenter Cassendre Xavier shares her first vision/dream board as an example of how to build or expand yours! For her current schedule of classes, workshops and study groups, please visit cassEndrExavier.com.

The Cause of Unhappiness

Article by Michaelbloxton

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it.” Eckhart Tolle

This quote is so true but it brings up an interesting point. If thoughts are really in control of our happiness, what are they and how do they control us? It has been said so many times, and in so many ways, that your thoughts are things that have a profound impact on your life.

This isn’t just a philosophical idea. Thoughts themselves are measurable. Brain activity and testing have revealed that thoughts have a very specific frequency that can be measured with the right equipment. Every time you have a thought, a pulse of energy travels through a network of neurons in your brain. Of course, the question remains – how is this pertinent to our lives?

Science has not yet discovered all of the inter working of the mind and the brain. It is a realm of knowledge that is still largely unexplored though progress is being made. There are two schools of thought- some believe thoughts have a direct impact on the lives we create and others believe this is untrue. Since neither argument can be proven yet, we will avoid taking sides.

To be clear, we are not talking about “The Law of Attraction” here. This isn’t a debate about whether we attract the things we think about. We are talking about your thoughts ability to create new outcomes based on their impact on your emotions, behaviors, and your actions.

Let’s just take a look at some obvious facts. If you believe your thoughts have no control over the life you live and the experiences you have, you likely:

1. Feel that you are at the mercy of circumstances in your life.
2. Think you have no control over your future.
3. Feel stuck or trapped by your current conditions.
4. Are often in reaction mode to events in your life.

On the other hand, if you believe that your thoughts direct the focus of your life and create the life you live then you more likely:

1. Feel that you can respond to circumstances in any way you choose and through that response, create an outcome you desire.
2. Think that you have total control over your future.
2. Feel limitless in your possibilities.

This whole article is about happiness so here is a question for you. Which of these belief groups is going to make you feel the happiest? Think about it, as Eckhart Tolle so beautifully stated, it is your thoughts about what happens that matters most. We have all heard at some point in our lives that it is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.

There is an old saying that goes something like this: There are two types of people in the world; the person who knows things happen and the person who makes things happen. This concept, combined with the quote we started with, is truly empowering once you understand it.

Things happen. There is no denying it. If you “know things happen” then you go wherever the tide takes you. The events in your life are completely out of your control. If this is true for you, then there is no point in trying to change anything because it’s beyond your power to do so.

Then there is the person who “makes things happen.” This individual “knows” that events and circumstances do come up unpredictably and sometimes they are undesirable. S/he also understands that this is only 10% of the equation. They then apply the second part of the equation to that and respond with intelligent thoughts which usually starts by asking empowering questions.

We could write an entire article on the use of questions to assist us in creating our reality (and maybe we will soon) but for now, we want to give you a quick tip that will help you immediately. The most empowering questions always begin with the word HOW. Your brain always comes up with an answer to your questions even when that answer is untrue.

For example, if you just got fired you might ask “Why did I get fired?” To this question, your brain will respond with the most reasonable answer it can find. But this could be anything from “Because my boss is an arrogant SOB” to “Because I suck at my work.” You aren’t directing your brain to give you something empowering. Instead, try asking, “How can I learn from this experience so this never happens again?” Aha, that should start you thinking in the right direction and that changes everything because thoughts are things.

Thoughts have the most profound impact on your life. A thought can take any menial task and make it wretched. A thought can take a pleasant situation and turn it sour. A thought can take nothing and make it something. Thoughts, whether you like it or not, are more powerful than you imagined.

The opposite can be said about a thought too. A simple thought or idea can start an industry. A mere thought of someone you love can turn any instant into a joyful smile. A thought can turn any bad into good and a single thought can take that good and transform it to great. The power to change everything in your entire world can be launched by a single thought.

You too can be the person who creates their situation by fully developing their thoughts about it.

Michael Bloxton,
President & CEO,
oneMYnd, LLC.